


Together in the Great Unknown, My Love

by Anonymous



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Summer Camp, Anxiety, Asexual Character, Asexual Harry, Asexual Louis, Boys avoiding communication, But also, Communication, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-30
Updated: 2016-11-30
Packaged: 2018-09-03 03:57:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8695609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: “You know there’s a word for it, right?” Niall says eventually. Louis shakes his head and looks up at Niall who’s doing his best to angle his face down towards him. 
  Louis’s never really considered it before. Maybe he’s always thought of it as a preference instead of this big thing to put a label on. It’s never been anything larger than that, only this confusion in the back of his head every time he got feelings for someone. He thought it’d go away eventually or get quiet when the right person came along, but he knows that it won’t now and it's a lot harder to deny in his twenties than when he was sixteen.  “Asexual. You should look it up.” -Harry and Louis are both counsellors at a summer camp and feelings happen.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lovefindhope](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovefindhope/gifts).



> **Okay, so I’ve been writing this throughout business trips, very unexpected hospital visits and catching up with NHL games, so the first sentence of this fic also applies to me at this point. But despite all of this I enjoyed writing it!**  
> 
> **Also, everyone’s experience with sexuality and figuring it out is different, so this fic is only based on my own personal feelings and is not supposed to represent everyone’s experience with asexuality. If you, outside of this, find anything offensive or misrepresented feel free to let me know in the comments because that was never my intention and I will do my best to fix it.**
> 
> **Title is from Not A One by The Young Wild. x**

 

Camp Sol is something of a mess.

Louis has been with them for five years since he was sixteen and is now officially the most experienced counsellor on site. He’s got five summers of dirt, no air-conditioning and bonding time with the kitchen staff under his belt and no one comes in more prepared. And he doesn’t even know how it all happened. He wasn’t planning on sticking around for more than a summer or two and now all of the sudden he’s five years in and it’s actually _nice_. He actually _likes it_. Which. That was unexpected.

At sixteen Louis had been a pain in the arse with a mouth too quick for his own good and enough anger that his teachers thought they could call him a problematic child to his face. He can admit it. He was giving everyone a hard time, especially his mum, and from an outside perspective it was easy to tell that he needed something like Camp Sol to get away from the city and the pressure and himself, even if fighting it came naturally. _Comes_ naturally. He’s trying to be better, he really is, and being here every summer reminds him of how far he’s come. Because if you had told anyone that sixteen year old Louis would be offered a head-counselling job at a camp for _kids_ , they would’ve been awfully worried. But here he is, on stage in front of all the people he’s in charge of, and to everyone working here he’s considered prepared for it.

Training is always all over the place though, whether it’s your first year or if you’re the one responsible for organizing it, and Louis’ patience is slowly slipping away from him down the river. It’s sixteen year olds talking over him and the more experienced counsellors thinking they can skip out on listening because they’ve been here one god damn summer and how his boss, David, has locked himself in his office knowing exactly what to expect and how to avoid it by leaving Louis in charge. And he’s trying to be calm to prove to everyone that whatever they’ve heard of him it’s not true anymore, but he’s starting to understand just how obnoxious his overly cocky persona used to be.

“Okay, everyone, listen up!” Louis yells into a megaphone after trying to get their attention by the strength of his own voice for a minute or two and then lowers it. A few people are startled, some just turning to him, but everyone goes into silence. Amazing investment if you ask him. “That’s better. If I’d known I’d be dealing with children I would’ve brought you some colouring books to entertain yourselves with, geez.”

Out of the corner of his eye he can see Niall at the top of the steps leading up to the stage, hand over mouth to stop himself from laughing. Louis gives him an amused smile and then, very slowly, puts the megaphone down on the floor while looking out over the crowd.

“Welcome to Camp Sol, everyone. My name’s Louis Tomlinson, as most of you probably know already, and I’m the head-counsellor this year. Now, training day is as important for the newbies as for those of you thinking a year or two here makes you king of the hill. Getting into a routine without a few reminders can make for some really bad mistakes.”

“You wanna give them some examples, boo?” Niall says and Louis knows it’s probably just to tease or because he thinks he’s being too hard on them, but either way it makes the whole room laugh.

“You wanna tell them about the forest incident 2011?” Louis throws back at him and while it does shut him up, he’s still smiling. _Didn’t think so_. “That’s Niall and he’s my assistant this summer so if you can’t find me he’s capable enough, I guess. He’ll also be the one to take care of the rest of you while I give the newbies a more detailed rundown of how things work around here.”

Niall offers them a small wave and it gives Louis a second or two to breathe before going into the next part. David had asked him to bring this part up after an incident last year that left everyone a little shaken and Louis doesn’t have any point of reference so he spent a whole week before getting here just trying to figure out how to word it properly.

“Now, before we go our separate ways I just wanted to say that if you have any questions or concerns you can always come to me or Niall or if it makes you more comfortable our nurse who has her office in the cabin closest to the main building. Camp Sol is a place where we’re all supposed to feel welcome and respected, which we’ve decided that we really need to focus on this year. And if someone makes you feel anything else don’t hesitate to let us know and we’ll help you figure it out. The sooner the better, because we’d rather prevent things than fix them and there’s no bad timing when it comes to talking to us. No type of discrimination is tolerated and we will not hesitate to send people home based on making this work environment unsafe for other counsellors. As a lot of you know it’s happened before but we’re going to do our best this year not to let it happen again.”

The tension in the room rises, mostly because most people know what he’s talking about and also because Louis’s fully aware that he isn’t known around here as serious or heart-felt or supportive, in fact he’s probably needed ten times the support he’s ever given, but he’s _trying_. This camp is important to him, it helped give his mind a smoother shape, and he’s not about to stand here and not express that after what happened last year. So no matter how surprised they are, no matter if they will start expecting it from him or not, he’s prepared to be more serious this year. Because just being a part of the group allows you to take responsibility for yourself and your tasks, but being in a leadership position he’s got all of them to care for. It’s a lot, definitely, and that makes it even more important.

“So.” He claps his hands together and goes back to smiling, hoping that it’s not too obvious that he’s nervous. “Those of you who’re new here you’re coming with me and the rest are staying with Niall for a quick recap and some rules for the new counsellor cabins by the lake.”

He walks down the steps on the opposite side of the stage from where Niall’s standing and goes to hold the door open. One by one people start walking outside, avoiding eye contact and keeping to themselves, all in the same yellow uniforms. Louis tries to smile encouragingly but ultimately it seems like they’re all too focused on just getting through the day. The only person to actually return the smile, with a cocky one at that, is Harry.

Louis has been keeping an eye on him ever since he arrived. Harry takes up a lot of space that others are afraid to touch and laughs louder than most. More often too. He’s been leaning against the back wall as if he’s been here for years with his arms crossed to enhance it, chewing his gum slowly and making casual conversation with some of the older counsellors who match him in age but not experience. If Louis hadn’t been any wiser he would’ve thought he fit right in in with them.

It’s not that Louis doesn’t like him or that he’s judging him, he’s actually trying his hardest not too, but he’s seen him around campus back in London for a whole year now and Liam’s told him enough to give him a first impression without even meeting. He’s always seemed like the type of guy you wish you could get along with, that you wish would notice you in a crowd, but here he just seems cocky so far and Louis can’t wrap his head around it. Surely Liam and Niall wouldn’t befriend someone who has their head too far up their own ass but.

What he’s trying to say is that he doesn’t know if he likes him or not and it’s _weird_ because they run in the same circles, cross paths between classes sometimes, but they’ve never actually, properly met or talked or been anything at all, really. Yet Louis has painted this picture of him that makes him so unreachable and above all quite lovely, which is not what he’s been seeing here. Admitting that he’s had a solid crush on him for a while might be too much. Louis has never been one to pine or mope around for people. It’s always just a type of acknowledgment, like accepting that he’s feeling _something_ for _someone_. It’s never been a big deal, at least not back in London. Now Louis’s not so sure anymore. His feelings for people have always been distant, out of reach, because he’s never felt anything even slightly romantic for someone he knows and getting to know them never occurred to him as an option. So.

“Nice speech, coach,” Harry says as he walks by and Louis wants to roll his eyes, wants to tell him to stop being so attractive in all sorts of ways, but he doesn’t. He just won’t.

“Thank you,” he says instead and waits for Harry to walk through before he turns to give Niall thumbs up. “I’ll catch up with you at lunch, Horan.”

 

_X_

 

“Alright, everyone, as I said before my name’s Louis and I’m head-counsellor this year. If anyone tells you anything about me it’s probably true and I most likely regret it,” Louis says to the smaller group.

It’s quite a large camp at this point so every year they hire plenty of new people, all of them depending on the head-counsellor for guidance throughout the entire summer, but somehow it never seems to be enough in end compared to the large amount of kids. And since Louis wants this to go as smoothly as possible he convinced his boss to let Niall officially handle the other group despite only being here for three years himself.

Right now they’re standing right up front at the arrival point and Louis can admit that he’s optimistic about them all. He’s never been very fond of teenagers, especially when he was one, but they all look prepared to be there – even Harry, despite how cocky he seemed inside. He doesn’t know what he’d initially expected from them, perhaps a lot less dedication, but he’s pleasantly surprised by how attentive they seem to be so far.

“I hope you’ve all settled in nicely?” he kind of asks to have something to say while taking a quick look at his notes and everyone nods along. “Good. There a few main rules for the cabins besides the obvious ones like how you shouldn’t break anything or under no circumstances are you allowed to drink. David asked me to go through them real quick with you, but they’re also in the papers you were handed yesterday. So number one, you’re not allowed to switch or sleep in any other cabin than your assigned one without permission from me. Two, unless it’s bonfire night for the counsellors alone I need everyone back in their cabins by eleven and, yes, it’ll be checked. This is for safety reasons and you can complain all you want about not being able to skinny dip at midnight, it won’t make a difference. Three, no sex. I was told to put it less explicitly but I think intercourse is a bit too formal for you, yeah?”

There’s laughter at that and Louis appreciates the way most of them are still immature enough, or maybe young enough, to not take the word seriously. Louis never found it too funny or fascinating himself, but it amuses him that it amuses them. Besides, he knows that people will be breaking that rule anyway and him joking about isn’t going to change anything at this point.

“It’s to… minimalize complications, so to speak.”

“Are you gonna check that too, or?” Harry asks, cheeky as he is. “Because I’m not sure that’s the best idea.”

“Of course not, but it has to be said,” Louis answers him while keeping eye contact. He’s not sure if he likes him yet, not sure if it’s a good idea liking him. “Number four isn’t really a rule, but there’s a list of laundry times and days for each cabin on the board in the main building. Complain all you want about that too but I made the schedule and it’s not changing. If you miss one you either have to try to get someone from another cabin to wash something for you or wait until the next one. There are clean sheets in every cabin though, both for washing days and in case of emergencies, along with clean sets of uniforms in the size you asked for.”

Louis doesn’t want to go into details about what kind of emergencies, but throughout the years it’s been everything from pranks to rule number three. He’s sure there are a lot of them that he never wants to know about and plenty of them happening this year, but at least they can handle it on their own. Hopefully.

“Alright, with that out of the way, let’s go. If you’ve got any questions along the way just let me know.”

 

Showing them around is no hard task. Louis had been the unofficial assistant leader last year and was handed a lot of the heavy tasks that Greg didn’t enjoy, like greeting the kids and giving the parents all the information they needed, which sometimes meant showing them around the whole site if they asked for it. He hadn’t minded, really, but by the tenth worried parent he was starting to lose both patience and forced smiles.

The difficult part is keeping a straight face when he realizes that he’s in the same counsellor group as Harry. The people in charge of sports are always together, he knows this, but he thought maybe he’d get lucky and Harry’d picked music as his first choice or something. He looks like a music guy. He even carries a guitar around campus sometimes. Not that Louis’s thought about it a lot but. He does.

“Looks like we’re on the same team, Lou,” Harry says, looking over Louis’ shoulder at the list. Louis jumps a bit, not expecting him, and turns his head to see Harry standing way too close for comfort. It makes Louis realize how much shorter he is too and he immediately frowns. “It’s good to see you by the way.”

“Yeah, you too,” Louis mumbles and turns back to the board. “Well, the first meeting is tomorrow morning before the kids start to arrive, so I’ll see you then, Styles.” He plans to leave now, maybe get the kitchen staff to give him some ice cream so he can mope comfortably, but Harry keeps the conversation going.

“What, not gonna let me sit with you at dinner? You can’t expect me to sit with a bunch of sixteen year olds, yeah?” He knows that Harry’s teasing him, he knows, but Louis isn’t in the mood. “Besides, it’d be nice to finally get to know you after we’ve managed to avoid each other at school.”

“We’ve survived so far. Plus, you seemed fine talking to Liam this morning and I doubt he’s too cool here to sit with you at dinner,” Louis says and ignores the fact that _he_ was probably going to be sitting with Liam at dinner. Louis looks over around the room for him and sees him standing across the room talking to Ben who Louis spent his whole third summer here complaining about for no other reason than the fact that he managed to get the laundry schedule changed so Louis had to get up at 6 a.m. instead. Which is also why Louis volunteered to be in charge of said schedule this year.

“Isn’t this about new experiences, new  friendships, new family, though?” Harry quotes the brochure. “Or is that just for the kids?”

“If you’re mocking the slogan you might as well be ripping this friendship in two.” Louis turns around and thanks god that Harry has taken a step back because he doesn’t think he can handle having him too close. Can’t handle a lot of things too close. “And before you say anything, _no_ , we’re not friends.”

“Yet,” Harry says as if finishing Louis’ sentence. “And not mocking, just using it to my advantage.”

“Well.” Louis stops himself and makes eye contact with Harry despite the nervous, tingling feelings it brings. “Good luck with that.” He starts to walk away with that, but Harry and his long legs catch up with his steps and Harry bumps their shoulders together playfully.

“Hey, I’m not too bad, am I?” he asks. “I mean, I can bake a pretty great cake if nothing else convinces you.”

“If anything, that’d convince Niall more than me. I’m not much of a sweet tooth.”

“Oh, it has. He used to come over to my flat at least once a week last semester to rummage my fridge for cookies. But that doesn’t answer the question.”

They’ve almost reached the door and Louis stops to take a deep breath before looking directly at Harry. They’re both stubborn people, which should immediately make Louis realize that this isn’t going to work. He can’t handle people who challenge him very well, both out of frustration and _I get enough of that from myself thank you very much_ , and Harry’s already walking a fine line.

“There are very few people that aren’t ‘too bad’ for me,” Louis says and smiles. “I’m hard to please, Styles, I thought Liam would’ve told you that considering how much he hated me for two years.”

“He did. More than once.” Harry is positively _beaming_ , as if Louis had just thrown him the biggest bone. “What’d he tell you about me?”

Louis remembers a lot of things Liam told him. There were words like _lovely_ and _great with kids_ and _I could introduce you._  Louis doesn’t doubt any of it, he _doesn’t_ , but he also doesn’t want to give Harry the satisfaction of being able to ask more questions, like if Louis agrees with Liam or not. Because against all odds he might. Like he's said before; he’s not too sure yet.

“He told me plenty, doesn’t mean it’s true. He’s biased after all,” Louis says even though it makes no sense. He just hopes Harry doesn’t catch on. “You should just ask him yourself though, since I’m plenty busy. Perhaps when you sit with him at dinner.”

“Very funny.”

Louis actually chuckles and looks down, hoping that Harry doesn’t take it as a win. 

“Look,” he starts off with, “just go hang out with your friends, yeah? We’ll see enough of each other when we’re working. And if you behave I might let you sit with me at dinner tomorrow.” Louis briefly puts his hand on Harry’s bicep, intending it to be reassuring, and then starts walking to the door again, this time without Harry tagging long.

“It’s a deal,” Harry calls out after him instead and Louis has to take deep breath to keep himself from turning back around.

 

_X_

 

Of course Harry is absolutely amazing with kids. Louis shouldn’t be surprised considering Liam already told him this, but it hits him when he sees Harry kneeling down to talk to Stacy. He remembers just how shy she was last summer and it took Louis a week before she said more than a few words to him. She’d carry her stuffed bunny around and mumble if you asked her something, so he can’t help but smile when he sees how quickly she’s taken to Harry.

“Mr Louis,” she calls out when she sees him walking towards them. Harry looks over his shoulder just as Stacy runs over and Louis can just about catch a smile from him before he’s got Stacy wrapping her arms around him. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too, love. You’ve gotten so big since last time I saw you. Probably gonna outgrow me soon,” he says and hugs her back for a second before she steps back so he can get down to her level.

He’s already said hello to a lot of the kids from last year and he was the first to greet all the new kids and their parents too, making sure that everyone on his list arrived, before directing them towards the main building where they could meet a few of the other counsellors and get their kids’ cabin numbers to help them settle in. So the room is full of people but it’s a pleasant buzz and everyone seems to get along so far, even the counsellors, which is rarely the case.

“No way, you’re very tall,” Stacy says in disbelief.

Harry has gotten up at this point and is just watching them, fondly. They make eye contact and Louis wants to think that it feels okay, _friends_ or whatever, but there’s a flutter and he hates it.

“Thank you. Have you seen your cabin yet?” he asks her to distract himself.

“Yeah! I’m rooming with Anya and a new girl, Dara. They’re really nice and Dara brought her stuffed bunny too,” Stacy says, absolutely excited, and he’s smiling so big by the end of it.

“Sounds awesome! Make sure to be nice to her, ok? You know how scary it can be to be new here,” Louis tells her, softly, and she nods. “Good.”

“I’m gonna go find Laura now. Her mum said we could get snacks together after she found her cabin.”

Louis sends her off with a smile, reminding her to say a proper goodbye to her mum later when the parents had to leave, and then stands up again as he watches her run off to her mum who’s talking to David at the far end of the room.

“Sweet kid,” Harry says and comes to stand next to him. Louis doesn’t look away from Stacy and lets Harry stare at him all he wants.

“Yeah,” he mumbles.

“You know, I imagined you a lot differently,” Harry admits and, yeah, he’s definitely not one to stay away from saying what he’s thinking. Louis doesn’t say anything back though because he’s afraid he’ll admit to the same thing and that means admitting that he’s actually thought about Harry and that’s. Well. Scary, quite frankly. “I mean, Niall and Liam talk about you a lot and they made you seem more… carefree, I guess.”

“I’m the least carefree person you’ll meet this summer, Harry, believe me,” Louis promises him. “If you’re looking for carefree here you better go back to Niall.”

“I know.” Harry puts a hand on his shoulder but drops it when Louis gives him a look. “I don’t know what they’ve said about me, but I’m not one to go look for things if I don’t already see them.”

“That makes no sense at all.”

“I’m just saying I don’t mind that you’re a little angsty even though I didn’t expect it. It’s kinda cute,” Harry tries to explain it and Louis feels a familiar warmth working its way up to the tip of ear, almost to the point where he can hear it screaming at him, and he’s praying that it’s not too obvious.

“Well, you sure know how to sweet-talk a guy.”

“I try.”

 

_X_

 

Louis goes into the bathroom at 2 a.m. He woke up from a nightmare fifteen minutes ago and spent about five of them trying to calm his breathing before he could even get out of bed. He can’t remember the dream in detail, just frail sequences of running and falling, but he knows that it’s the same one he’s had for a couple of months now. He thinks it started when he combined the new anxiety medication and the decision to stop smoking every day and he can’t seem to get away no matter how far he runs. He’s been here for over a week, closing in on two already, and it’s been so good but now he feels like he’s back to square one again.

He looks up into the mirror and stares back at the reflection that never looks anything like himself. There are bags clinging to his eyes for dear life and his hands are clawing at the sink in hope that they’ll just _stop shaking._ He has to get a grip before anyone comes out here, god knows he doesn’t want some sixteen year old seeing him like this, but his whole body feels too heavy and he’s not sure how to carry it back to bed.

“Fuck,” he mutters and turns the tap on. He manages to splash some cold water in his face and not cry and he takes that as a win at this point.

He knows there’s a pack of cigarettes somewhere in his bag just in case he needs them, but he doesn’t want this is to be that big of an issue. If he starts now he might not stop and he doesn’t want to go back to being addicted to that too, especially over something that he’s been through so many times already. He hasn’t smoked all summer, he’s been _so good_ , but.

“Lou, you in here?” he hears Niall say as the door opens and Louis makes some kind of sound, no proper words that’s for sure. The click of the door closing follows him and then there are arms wrapped around his waist from behind. He’s grateful for the weight of someone else keeping him on his feet and he wants to think that Niall can handle him. “You weren’t in your bed when I woke up, but if you don’t want me here I’ll leave.”

“No,” Louis protests and leans back. “I- I just need to breathe.”

“Let’s go outside, okay? Get some fresh air.”

Niall goes to have one arm over Louis’ lower back while guiding him out the door in a proper pace. It’s cold out, colder than he remembers rushing in there, and it hits him in all the wrong places where his pyjamas fail to cover him.

“We’ll go back slowly, don’t rush it.”

The path leading back to the cabins is a mix of rocks and sand so they walk in the grass next to it since Louis got out without shoes. Niall attempts to make small talk with anecdotes and whatever he can think of from the past week, all while keeping a steady grip of Louis just in case. Louis appreciates the effort as he calms down and by the time they’re back at the cabins his breathing is somewhat normal and his hands are only shaking from the cold.

Niall helps him get back into bed and it doesn’t take a genius to tell that Louis doesn’t want to be alone right now so he gets in right next to him. It’s a tight fit in the barely standard bed but they manage with Louis half-way on Niall’s chest and Niall tangling their legs into a comfortable position.

“Do you wanna sleep?” he asks while running his fingers through Louis’ hair. Louis shakes his head no but still closes his eyes, squeezing the fabric by Niall’s waist. “How’s your week been?”

“Good.” It’s the first thing he’s said since the bathroom and it comes out hoarse, like he’s been sobbing even though he knows for sure that he didn’t cry.

“How’re you getting along with Harry? I heard you had lunch together on the dock yesterday.” It sounds like Niall’s just asking to keep the conversation going but Louis thinks he’s wanted to ask about it all week and just didn’t find the time. They’ve both been busy in two different directions and barely seen each other outside of meetings with David and the first bonfire a couple of nights ago, so maybe it’s good to have this time together despite the circumstances.

“He’s nice,” Louis says, contemplating if he should continue. “Sweet.”

“You like him?” Niall asks, this time quieter but it’s a screaming question to Louis who’s spent all week asking it himself. Except. Except it went a little differently, like he moved on from _do I like him or not_ to _how much do I like him_. The answer has shifted from yes to enough to maybe too much for an almost-stranger. And still it never feels like how he imagined it’d feel. It’s not as passionate or eager as he thought it would be. Less fire and more wind perhaps, because there’s nothing burning anywhere but there’s a sweeping feeling that sometimes catches him off guard and gets him off his feet. Instead of telling Niall all that though he goes for what he thinks is a better explanation if he gets it right.

“I think so, I just-,” he stops himself to find the right words and they’re not quite there yet but he tries his best to continue. “He seems really nice and like, he kinda acts like he likes me, you know? But I don’t know, it doesn’t feel right.”

“What doesn’t feel right? Did he do something?”

“No, no,” Louis hurries and bites his lip to stop himself from defending him even more. “He’s been good, I mean, he’s a little forward but you know him. I just- I don’t know how to explain it. I guess I just never really thought about like… my sexuality before. Which sounds silly but I thought I liked boys because… that’s all I’ve ever known. Does that make sense?”

“I think so,” Niall says, a little hesitant, and when Louis doesn’t say anything else he tries another question. “Do you not like boys?”

“No, I mean, yes, I like boys but I don’t _like_ them. Harry’s really nice but I don’t, there’s no, god how do I put this? Urge?” Louis wants to hide behind his hands and not let Niall see the blush that’s spreading faster than wildfire, so he buries his face in Niall’s shirt and clings to him.

“You mean you’re not attracted to him?” Niall asks and it’s so gentle all of the sudden and Louis wants to _cry_ because that’s it.

“I really like him Niall, you have no idea, but I don’t…“

“Wanna sleep with him?”

Louis goes quiet. He knows Niall’s patient with him, always has been, and he doesn’t have to answer but after a few seconds he’s too far along to deny it. So he nods because it’s the only thing left to do when he feels like he can’ speak and tries to remind himself to breathe.

“That’s okay, Lou.” Niall rubs slow circles into his back and strokes the back of his hand with his thumb. “Not everyone wants to have sex.”

“I just-“ He swore he wouldn’t cry, but. “To some people it’s such a big deal and I guess that’s why it’s never really worked out, you know? I always thought I was scared of it, like just not ready or whatever, but I’ve never really wanted to be either.”

“It doesn’t have to be a big deal. Not if you find the right person,” Niall says and moves slightly so Louis doesn’t have to be as pressed against the wall. “You should talk to Harry about it.”

“Yeah, that sounds like a good plan.” It’s very sarcastic. “Before I even know if the guy fancies me I start talking about the sex we’re not gonna have, that’s a great idea.”

“Hey, it could be!” Niall defends his suggestion and it gets a chuckle out of Louis. “I know it’s not as easy as it sounds but you can just be like ‘I don’t know if you like me or not but I just wanted to let you know that if you do I’m not down to fuck’.”

“Niall!” Louis attempts to sit up, only making it half-way, and slaps him lightly on the chest. “That’s awful. You’re awful.” He lies back down and just laughs at the absurd thought of that conversation.

“He’d totally fall in love with you if you said that, just saying.”

The laughter eventually dies down, settling in whatever space is left on the bed, and Niall goes back to being gentle with both words and touch. The strokes across the back of Louis’ hand are back and it’s comfortable enough that Louis has almost forgotten what happened earlier.

“You know there’s a word for it, right?” Niall says eventually. Louis shakes his head and looks up at Niall who’s doing his best to angle his face down towards him.

Louis’s never really considered it before. Maybe he’s always thought of it as a preference instead of this big thing to put a label on. It’s never been anything larger than that, only this confusion in the back of his head every time he got feelings for someone. He thought it’d go away eventually or get quiet when the right person came along, but he knows that it won’t now and it's a lot harder to deny in his twenties than when he was sixteen.

“Asexual. You should look it up.”

 

_X_

 

“And then Stacy walks up to him, still dripping wet from being in the water, and says to him, and I quote,” Harry starts, clearing his throat and putting a finger up in the air as a dramatic pause before continuing in a pitchy voice that’s supposed to resemble Stacy’s, “I’ll let you know that Dara wouldn’t bother with mean boys like you even if you were the last one on earth. You should be honoured that she’s even looked in your direction.”

Louis throws his head back laughing and lies back on the grass when he can’t hold himself up anymore. Ten year old Brandon, Louis considers him a nightmare to deal with and thanks god that he didn’t pick football this year, had been bothering Dara all week apparently. Louis first learned about it around noon when David came to him and told him there had been some issues with Harry’s morning shift at the lake, but he never got the details until now.

“She’s pretty badass, I’m telling you,” Harry finishes the story and goes from hugging his knees to leaning back on the palms of his hands. His head naturally falls back and the tiny curls at his neck now catch some wind every other second. All Louis wants to do is reach out and run his fingers through them to see if they’re as soft as he imagines them.

“She didn’t get into trouble, right? I’ll kill David if she did,” he asks instead.

“No, I told her good job afterwards though.”

Harry lies down next to him and looks up at the sky. They’re only an hour or two away from curfew so the sun has already set and the only thing left in the sky is a mess of clouds that keep them from seeing the stars. It kills the mood a bit and makes Louis want to tell Harry that they don’t need them because there are already stars in his eyes and it’s _awful_.

“You know,” Harry says and stretches out. The fabric of his jumper rises up on his hips and Louis wants to trace the laurels that come out with his skin. Maybe ask _why_ or _when_ and listen to another story he wishes he was there for. He’s almost distracted enough by the thought that he doesn’t notice how Harry leaves his right arm a bit above Louis’ head in the grass. “It’s getting a little chilly.”

“You wanna head back?” Louis looks away from the tattoo and checks the time on his phone instead. 9.17 p.m.

“No, I-“ Harry cuts himself off with a sigh and Louis rolls over on his stomach instead so it’s easier to look at him. They’re significantly closer now too, to the point where their sides are pressed together and Louis can hook one leg around Harry’s. “Just thought you might get cold.”

Louis looks down at his own bare arms and sees the goosebumps and scattering of tattoos. Harry brings his hand down again so he can trace some of them on Louis’ right arm while Louis lets his words sink in.

“Yeah, well, _someone_ was against bringing blankets.” Louis gives him a playful look and Harry ends up _giggling_.

“But then we’d probably have to wash them and _someone_ made the schedule so I don’t have laundry time for another three days and I have enough clothes to wash as it is. If you’re cold you’ll have to settle for me,” Harry throws right back at him and Louis.

Louis wants to kiss him. Really bad. But that would definitely get emotionally messy and confusing for both of them when they’re still jumping around it so rather than doing that he grabs the hand tracing his tattoos and slides his fingers in between Harry’s.

“I don’t think settling is quite the right word though,” Louis says while Harry’s still staring at their hands, processing that Louis went there. “I’d probably choose you over a blanket any day.”

“Well, you sure know how to sweet-talk a guy,” Harry tries to say in a northern accent and Louis puts the back of his own hand, still holding Harry’s, against his mouth to stop himself from laughing.

“Don’t use my words against me when I’m trying to be sweet. You ruined the moment!” he exclaims. “And that was a terrible accent.”

“Oh, I know,” Harry agrees. “I’ll have to work on it if I want to impress you with my accent skills in the future.”

“You’ve impressed me plenty with other things already, Haz, it’s nice to know that you’re actually bad at something.”

Harry rolls his eyes and scoots a little further down on the grass so Louis isn’t lying half-way down his torso anymore. It creates more intimacy than before now that Harry doesn’t have to make an effort to look down to see his face but can just glance a bit to the side instead. Louis has to hold his hand at a more forced angle, but it’s nicer this way.

“I proper suck at footie too, just so you know.”

“Ok, that’s it, that’s too much,” Louis says playfully and pulls away from Harry. He gets half-way off the ground too before Harry pulls him back down, this time on top of him. Louis squeals and pretends to struggle, repeating _it’s too much_ , but Harry just wraps his arms around him and laughs along.

“I’m sorry, I’ll be your personal cheerleader instead.” Harry laughs and Louis stops fighting his grip, just resting against his chest instead. “I tried it for a while when I was 15, my mum probably has the uniform somewhere. The fit might be a little off though.”

“Considering those jeans you wear I bet you’d be able to squeeze into them,” Louis says and lifts his head to look at him. He can feel Harry’s heart under his hand that’s carefully placed on his chest and he wants to think that’s it’s beating a little bit faster. “I need you to root for Man U though, otherwise this isn’t gonna work out.”

“Sure thing, babe,” Harry says and tucks Louis’ fringe in behind his ear. “Any other rules?”

Louis wants to say it. It’s the perfect opportunity to just get it out there and not have to worry about the answer anymore. But his tongue feels tied around the words stuck in the back of his throat and they’re not willing to get out. There’s the never ending thought that it’s not relevant yet, like he’s not following the correct order of conversations. This is further down the list of things to talk about, below _I really like you_ and _what are we_ and _do you prefer the vanilla or chocolate ice cream in the dining hall because I’ve seen you eat both and I want to know which one to steal extra of while the staff pretends they can’t see it happening._

“Not really. Do you have any?” he says instead.

“Not really.”

 

_X_

 

 

Sitting in David’s office is a major flashback. Last time Louis he was in here, sitting down and on his own, was last year and that was just not pleasant. There are new photos on the wall of last summer to replace the previous ones, but the chairs are the same and David’s expression matches last year’s to the point where Louis is starting to worry.

“Hello, Louis.”

 

_“Hello, Louis.” David sits down in his chair and leans back. Louis is looking down at his own lap and pulls the ring on his middle finger on and off, again and again. “Could you tell me what happened?”_

_“Am I in trouble?” Louis asks instead. It’s so rushed and based on fear and anxiety that he’s surprised that David even caught it._

_“You tell me.”_

_“I-“ Louis stops himself and closes his eyes. He’s been fighting back tears for hours now but he’s trying to keep it together until he can call his mum because that’s the point where he knows he won’t be able to._

_“Look,” David starts and leans against the desk, “you’re the best counsellor we’ve ever had, the kids_ adore _you, but I need your version of this. All I’ve got right now is Bradley’s and that one doesn’t make a lot of sense. You might’ve gotten into a lot of trouble your first year but we both know that’s all in the past.”_

_“I was having a bad night.” Louis takes a deep breath and looks up at David, determined to get through it without stumbling over the details. “I haven’t been sleeping very well and I went out to call my mum because I knew she’d probably just gotten home from the night shift.”_

_David nods, urging him to continue, and smiles encouraging. Louis’s never felt very comfortable with David, but in this moment he can’t remember why. The man in front of him isn’t the strict boss he’s been dealing with the four previous summers, he just seems to want to understand._

_“I was sitting against the wall of the bathroom, under the roof, because it was raining and I guess Bradley must’ve overheard me in the bathroom.”_

_“What’d he overhear exactly?” David asks him to clarify._

_“I told my mum that… that Victor had asked me out, and I was really anxious about it because I wanted to say no but I told him I’d think about it. So I asked her how I could tell him no without, you know, hurting him or whatever.” Louis takes a few deep breaths and tries to ignore the anxiety crawling back to his lungs._

_“So you didn’t tell Bradley about Victor?” David seems even calmer now, almost as if he doesn’t want to startle Louis with the wrong words._

_“I would never!” Louis rushes, because_ no _. “He asked me in private, I wouldn’t trust_ Bradley _of all people with that. I’ve barely said two words to him as it is.”_

_“And you didn’t have anything to do with the posters on the cabins?” David asks. And Louis knows that it’s because he has to, he can’t just assume, but it hurts._

_“God, no.” Louis's so close to crying now, mostly out of frustration because he didn’t mean for any of this to happen. He didn’t know anyone could hear him. “Is that what Bradley is saying?”_

_“To some extent.”_

_Louis shakes his head several times but doesn’t know what else to say other than that it’s all lies. David has to know that Louis would never do anything like that, not even all those years ago. He’s isn’t saying anything though and Louis isn’t sure if that’s a good thing._

_“How’s Victor?”_

_“His mum’s picking him up soon.”_

_“Oh god.”_

_Louis’ hands are shaking and he doesn’t know what to do about it. Losing control is something he doesn’t know how to handle and it’s easy to forget that it’s not his fault. Other people’s actions are not his fault. He didn’t do anything wrong. Except._

_Except maybe he should’ve just been honest with Victor from the beginning and said that he wasn’t interested. Or maybe he shouldn’t have told his mum about it. Maybe he should’ve should’ve checked if there was anyone in there. He should’ve been more careful._

_“I know he probably doesn’t want to talk to me, but could you just… tell him I’m sorry. Please.”_

_“Of course.”_

 

“What’s going on, David?” Louis asks but his worry is soon turned down by David smiling at him.

“Nothing bad, I promise,” he laughs and sits down. “I wanted meet with you alone. It can be a bit difficult to have a conversation during meetings.”

Louis nods and lets go of the ring on his middle finger. When David asked him to meet him in his office after his afternoon shift was done he thought something had to be wrong. He’s been doing great so far. There’ve been some minor things but nothing compared to last year. He’s sure of it. So this meeting only made him anxious.

“I just wanted to thank you. I know we had a bit of a rough summer last year and I really appreciate that you came back. I wasn’t expecting you to and like I said then you’re an amazing counsellor,” David says and Louis wants to smile, he really does, but it comes out tasting bitter when he tries. “And as a thank you for being here for so long and under certain… circumstances, plus the amazing work you’ve been doing this summer as head-counsellor, I’d like to give you a little bonus.”

David opens the top drawer on his desk and takes out an envelope that he holds out for Louis. Louis carefully takes it and opens it up, occasionally glancing up at David who’s nothing but a big smile at this point. Finally he pulls the check out and frowns.

“David, this is too much-“

“No, none of that. You’ve earned it, Louis. And I know that since you’re graduating next year you might not be coming back so I wanted to give it to you as a goodbye too if that’s the case.”

Louis looks down at the paper and it feels heavy in his hands. He’s not sure if he deserves it, or perhaps if someone else deserves it more, but it feels good to be acknowledged like this. And while the check might feel heavy, he feels a little lighter.

“Thank you.”

 

_X_

 

Louis sits down in between Niall and Harry for dinner and Harry gives him a worried look. There wasn’t much time after his shift to go worry about it to anyone but on his way to David’s office Louis had ran into Harry and told him that he would be late for dinner. Harry’d noticed that Louis was a bit of mess about it, the anxiety shining through, and managed to calm him down to the point of stress he felt in David’s office.

“How’d it go?” Harry asks him. Liam raises an eyebrow and Niall stops himself from taking another bite of his sandwich.

“Oh, yeah, it was nothing,” Louis says and smiles. “He just wanted to talk about, you know, how the summer’s been and all.” Liam’s eyebrow goes down and Niall takes a bite.

“Who?” Liam wipes the corner of his mouth with a napkin and then gives Louis his full attention. “David?”

“Yeah, he asked me to come in after my afternoon shift,” Louis says, already on his first bite of pasta. “No big deal.” Harry puts a hand on his thigh under the table for just a second and Louis hopes he knows how thankful he is that Harry isn't mentioning how Louis actually felt before the meeting.

“Anyway, did you hear that Mary and Keith snogged behind the bathroom after curfew last night?” Niall says and wiggles his eyebrows at them.

“You do realize that they broke like two rules, right?” Louis asks him but Niall ignores him by rolling his eyes and starts telling the story of how he heard it from someone who apparently shares a cabin with Keith, who heard him talk about it with someone else. It’s a right mess is what it is, but Louis pretends to follow along and tries not to think about having had Harry’s hand on his thigh.

 

After dinner they all start to walk back to their cabins and Louis is rubbing his hands against his lower arms. It’s supposed to rain quite heavily in about two hours and it’s easy to tell by the air that it’s going to be a cold night. Harry’s walking right next to him and Liam and Niall are talking about whatever with each other next to Harry.

“You okay?” Harry asks him, walking with his hands in his pockets and head tipped down. Louis shrugs and looks over at Niall and Liam to make sure they’re too busy with their own conversation to notice. “You wanna talk about it?”

“No, it’s ok,” Louis assures him before getting a playful look in his eye. “I’m a little cold though.”

“Oh, is that so?” Harry takes one hand out of his pocket to put an arm around Louis’ shoulders. Louis does the same with Harry’s waist and before he can say anything else Harry goes in to kiss the side of his head. “Well, apparently I’m a personal blanket this summer, so no need to worry.”

“Thank you, love.”

“I’ve enjoyed it so far, so it’s no problem.” Louis squeezes his waist a bit to say _me too_ and bites the inside of his cheek so he won’t smile too big. “You wanna go sit on the dock? At least until it starts raining.”

They’ve reached the part where the path goes either towards the lake or the cabins and Louis tugs him in the direction of the dock instead of answering. He realizes he’s being a bit clingy today, hopefully in a cute way, but Harry doesn’t seem to mind at least so he allows it to become comforting.

“We’re gonna go down to the dock, guys, we’ll see you later!” Harry tells Liam and Niall who’re a bit ahead at this point. Niall calls out _alright_ and gives them a thumbs up without turning back so Louis doesn’t worry about it, but Liam stops and turns to them, frowning. It’s definitely a look aimed for Harry and something Louis doesn’t recognize from him, but after a quick glance at Louis Liam turns around as well and starts walking to the cabins. “Come on.”

Louis doesn’t mention it until they’re down by the dock, sitting right in the middle, when it’s safe to talk about it without Liam being within earshot. It’s not that he’d mind talking to Liam about it, they’re mates, but _Liam_ seemed to mind since Louis wasn’t in on the silent conversation they were having right in front of him.

“You wanna tell me what that was about? And if you say nothing we both know you’re lying.”

“Liam’s just worried.” Harry shrugs and toys with a loose thread on his jeans. “I’ve told _him_ that it’s no big deal but, you know.”

“Worried about what?” Louis asks and grabs Harry’s hand without a second thought.

“Just, he knows both of us so well and he just- I don’t know, worries about it, _us_ , I guess. I mean, he’s seen me go through some pretty bad breakups and he doesn’t want me to get hurt again when I can easily avoid it by…” The thought fades out and this time it’s Harry who looks extremely nervous. Louis hasn’t seen him like this before; isn’t used to Harry being anything less than composed and put together. It hurts to know that something that has to do with Louis can bother him enough to put him in that position.

“By what? I can’t help you if I don’t know.”

“Talking about it, I guess. It being a lot of things.”

Louis watches him. Just carefully trying to map out his thought process and understand what’s going on. Louis knows he shouldn’t make assumptions or anything and that it’s important to give him space if he needs it, but it’s hard when Harry looks like he needs Louis to just wrap his arms around him and tell him that whatever it is there’s no need to worry. It’d be wrong. But it’s also exactly what he does.

“It’s silly that I’m so worried, god, we haven’t even- I mean, I don’t even know if you like me. I shouldn't just assume that. Fuck,” Harry rambles on and Louis wants to laugh at how well it matches his own thoughts. “Do you?”

“Of course. You’re pretty amazing, Harry, you know that right?” Louis puts a hand on Harry’s right cheek and makes him look at him. “And we’ve had some very good weeks together here. We might not be snogging like Mary and Keith, but that’s not really my thing anyway.”

“Really? You wouldn’t want to… you know?” Harry asks and it’s not teasing or suggestive, but rather hopeful. “Snog behind the bathroom.”

“First of all,behind the bathroom is the least romantic place ever, but that’s a whole other issue. I think, I don’t know, I’d rather sit here with you. Just spending time with you the past couple of weeks has been better than snogging behind the bathroom could ever be,” Louis says and Harry laughs for the first time since they sat down and leans into Louis’ hand. “I mean, I’d really like to kiss you, but that’s not the same thing, at least to me.”

“I’d really like that, but... I need you to know that this is really serious for me. I don’t want you to think that this is just some first-couple-of-weeks kind of thing, it’s something I know won’t just go away eventually. I really like you Louis, you’re so amazing and absolutely _stunning_ , but you’re not magically gonna make me want those kind of things.” Some of the fear Louis saw in Harry’s behaviour is replaced with a passion and determination when Harry says this. Like he might be scared to have the conversation but he’s so certain of what he needs to say.

“That’s more than okay. Definitely.”

“There’s a word for it, I don’t know if you’ve heard it but-“

“Asexual?” Louis interrupts him. He immediately regrets cutting him off but he needs Harry to know that he _knows_ and isn’t just nodding along. Harry nods. “Niall told me to look it up. It sounds… pretty accurate.”

“For you or for me?” Harry asks.

“Both?”

“Both.”

 

_X_

 

Louis learns three things when kissing Harry for the first time. The first thing is that he tastes like honey. It’s a little inconsistent because Louis gets a hint of vanilla from the ice cream they had after dinner, but it's still there. Why is another question to be answered. The second thing is that no matter how many times he’s imagined it, it’s nothing compared to even the seconds before their lips meet. It falls somewhere in between the feeling in your gut right before the rollercoaster goes over the first edge, not knowing what to expect but no matter what it’ll all make sense when it’s all over, and the feeling when the first snow starts to fall and for a moment you forget why you were dreading winter in the first place; the cold, shoveling snow, darker months, and instead you focus on how something cold can make you feel so warm. And the third thing is that he never wants to stop.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> **Thank you for reading! Leaving kudos and a comment is very much appreciated. x**


End file.
